Year 2 has started, started a long time ago to be exact. I'm still the same, floating in the memories of year 1 and refusing to move on. I know I haven't got what I wanted, and the cracks I thought I spent so much time and effort to cover up are starting to show again. I feel so distracted, I can't even sit down properly to do a simple assignment and its killing me when my heart is being torn into 2.

Just when I thought what you all said was true, that there was no barriers, that all wasn't what I had in my mind, I've come to see it was all just a delusion. I'm tired, did I tell you that?

In a place where you know no one, you feel all so lost and lonely. You struggle through, trying to find some companions to help each other along. You've made a mistake, and suffered greatly for it, spending the rest of the year trying to clean up after that mess. Why, must people know each other, share their troubles and share a spiritual bond ONLY to drift apart and leave when everything's over? Yes we get to know people very quickly, progressing from mere acquaintances to close friends in a matter of months. Are all our hearts so small that we have to remove people who are less close to us when we meet newer, more interesting people? I guess I've been pretty foolish. All I thought I wanted was to find some good friends just like I've always been, and I thought being nice to people was the way to go. I've talked to many, known many, but none of them stayed. I guess I've come to realised people only come to me when the need help and the person/people they really want care and concern from are not available. You said time will solve everything. But after so long, so much bonding, all I get is weird stares being treated as totally transparent when I'm not needed. To some extent, even though I hate to say it, I feel hurt. Hurt that after so long, I have to admit that I failed to be part of you guys. Hurt that after so long, I still know that you all don't want me to be there no matter how you guys always try to include me. I'm lost, and I know I'm trying too hard to find some friends whom I can really just STOP having to spend so much effort to keep. Friends are people who keep you in their hearts spiritually even when you all aren't hanging out. Everyone seems to have found theirs, some in the process, some perhaps just as lost as I am. Why does all of this have to happen? What am I looking for? I really can't figure it out. Is it just like everyone else? To feel wanted, to be cared for constantly and to know you belong to somewhere, somehow, no matter how small it is. Is it because I'm trying too hard that I've turned so superficial, so irritating and lowly? Why can't someone just tell me and I'll just accept that fact that I've failed and I'm just meant to be in solitude. Perhaps we should all stop pretending to care and reach out when we never really wanted to do so in the first place.

我真的觉得很累。 为什么我会变得如此的悲惨。 有时候我真的希望这一切能回到起点。 我再也不要我所拥有的这一切。 如果要成功必须陷入悲痛与复杂的世界 我宁可放弃。 我只要做个简单的人。 如果有机会，能让我从新在开始那该有多好。

我要逃避这一切，在一个无烦恼与悲伤的世界休息。 原来要在这个世界生存是多么的困难。 人生开始失去了方向。 人们也开始慢慢的离开。 难怪古人成说过我们都要珍惜能让我们快乐的一切。 当你得不到一个如此简单的东西，心中真的是无比的痛苦。

我要快乐。