just had a mega result and stress induced mood swing.
Great Expectations, what a relevant book for us to read.
I got back some of my results today and suddenly it dawned upon me that
all these months of me whining, thinking I could enjoy the prestige and recognition, hating how everyone hated me has resulted in nothing but a mess.
Yup my life's such a mess right now.
Look at me, I can't do anything well.
It's so bad that I don't even know where to start tidying up my life.
Sometimes I wish nobody expected anything of me. Sometimes I really want to be a nobody.
What if I was stupid, with little talent and ability. Nobody would really care whether I could score As in tests or whether I had any talent whatsoever.
I could just rot my life away, do whatever I wanted, live life the way I wanted.
Now, everything I do has consequences, has impacts, has expectations placed upon it.
Especially when the society is all about getting good grades.
Today I realised perhaps I'm pretty much a wastrel myself.
Well getting bad grades is one thing, but knowing that the world thinks lowly of you isn't exactly very helpful.
Teachers know me as mr everything late, come to school late, hand in homework late, someone undesirable, incapable.
It's like a cycle, a vicious one that repeats itself.
I can't go on pretending and thinking there's something within me, some potential or hidden talent that makes me just as good as anyone else.
The fact repeats itself in my face over and over again, I am just not it.
It's painful to break away the facade you have been trying so hard to believe in for so long.
Could it be, I really wonder, that I'm probably just like what my grades show - S U C?
Don't know why I just feel bloody useless today. Like I've screwed up everything and i've done nothing right. Jc is really a extremely traumatic experience. Terrible. Extremely.
Somehow I don't know and I don't think I can go on much longer. It is just too spiritually, mentally and physically.
Josh Groban - Let Me Fall (from Cirque de Soleil)
Let me fall
Let me climb
There's a moment when fear
And dreams must collide
Someone I am
Is waiting for courage
The one I want
The one I will become
Will catch me
So let me fall
If I must fall
I won't heed your warnings
I won't hear them
Let me fall If I fall
Though the phoenix may
Or may not rise
I will dance so freely
Holding on to no one
You can hold me only
If you too will fall
Away from all these
Useless fears and chains
Someone I am
Is waiting for my courage
The one I want
The one I will become
Will catch me
So let me fall
If I must fall I won't heed your warnings
I won't hear
Let me fall
If I fall
There's no reason
To miss this one chance
This perfect moment
Just let me fall
-Me-
Danny Wong
04.07.89
holy innocent's pri.xinmin sec. vjc.
Vjchoir! =D
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