Beautiful disaster

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Fireworks are such beautiful things.
It's such a splendid sight to see them whizzing high up into the night sky,
bursting into a myriad of beautiful colours and patterns.
The exhiliration and the impact is just out of this world.
Suddenly I miss firework hunting somehow, I haven't even caught a single display of fireworks AT ALL! how pathetic is that. Sigh.
I could still remember how I'll always go with my friends and squeeze with the huge crowds just for this brief moment of heaven.
Sadly fireworks are so short.
Must everything so beautiful die off so quickly?

Been reading my archives lately, and I just realised how deep inside me I still can't move on from secondary school. It's just stuck inside.
There was a period of time where I really really missed xinmin to the power of infinity.
I'm still ever so proud of it. People rarely hear of us, rarely know about us, but yet we are climbing up ever so steadily that we are already ranked among the top schools in singapore already.
The thing so special about everyone at Xinmin was that we were all proud of being normal and neighbourhoody, simple and casual.
No negative competitions, minimal backstabbing and those scheming conflicts , gangsters with tucked out shirts.
Well although those sloppy looking people actually make themselves look like low class students, the funny fact is our standing is even higher then some of the 'famous schools' who would boast all day long.
Life really was great.
But I've been so far away from tasting it that I'm starting to forget what a good life is like.
I know its not possible to deny the present and abhor the future.
But after these long months I've come to accept the fact that this is it.
I am stuck in VJC and choir and it will never change.
No matter how often I go back to Xinmin,
No matter how often I go back to teach Xinmin chorale,
the fact still remains that I'm an EX-xinmin student.
Time is such a amazing thing, it can heal all wounds, but it can take away all the things you were so dear to.
Juniors back at xinmin that I'm closer to are graduating, and sooner or later I'll cease to know any of the students in the Student Leader Board and Choir, and they will mean nothing to me.
Somehow the best conclusion I can come up with is to let all the wonderful things back then be a memory I can constantly remember and smile upon.
Some things are best left as momeries too, cause when you revisit the actual thing again, you may no longer feel the same way as you did and you'll end up destroying the original experience.
Somehow I used to think, if the present situation is so back, why shouldn't I just run back and hide at the safe harbour I grew up in.
But as the saying goes, A ship will never know its true worth when it is safe in the habour.
I'm even tired of running back all the time, everyone in jc is doing it.
Everyone's running away from reality one way or another for a happier place.
yet the irony is that we all make ourselves more miserable in the end, all tired and depressed.
I'm really stuck, I can't keep running back to my past, yet when I try to create a wonderful present and future, everyone's just closed up in their own world just like I was/did/am.
Sometimes I wished answers would just present themselves before me.
Nothing I do seems right, NOTHING.
It comes to a point when you're so frustrated that you can't do anything, and yet you're so pissed off doing nothing.
I guess changes have to be worked at.
But I have to really tidy myself up and stop running away from reality.
Which is really really difficult for that means I have to come out of my comfort zone.
Wait a minute, do I even have a comfort zone in school in the first place?
Maybe. No point finding one since everyone's stuck in their own zones and refuse to reach out for those still lost.
When did people truly understand and bother about people who are miserable and lost and lonely?
We're all just selfish cruel people who would rather do nothing so that we can stay in comfort.
Now I just feel like findin my own comfort zone and ignore everyone else.
But maybe its not such a good thing to do after all.
Wait a minute, what can I even do?
I'm one of those lost ones, looking over at a world full of laughing people with their own friends while you just walk around aimlessly, praying someone will find you and take you in.
Damned us all.

# | 10:54 PM |

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