Finally back from a self proclaimed hiatus. It's been rather long hasn't it?
Sweet seventeen has come and past, perhaps not so sweet anymore now.
By far it was the most traumatic year I've ever lived through, so many countless reflections coursing through me on my birthday. Funny as it seems, growing up is one of the scariest things to me. Ever since leaving my comfort zone, nothing's been the same. I was so filled with hope and optimism for a promising life, but all that greeted me was the absolutely horrifying side of humanity. All that I held true, all that I thought was right was changed. Totally changed.
I wonder if I changed too?
Why does the sands of time have to trickle down ever so quickly and steadily?
As it flows by day by day, we grow older, and the gargantuan burden on our shoulders continues to weigh me down. What is it like to be an adult? I really wonder sometimes.
Someway or another, adults often strike across to me as lonely people struggling to put on a show everyday.
What happens on the day I walk out of my university, clutching on to my certificate. Should I be rejoicing or crying?
Definitely the latter.
I'm afraid of being alone, I'm afraid of earning tons of money, being so powerful and famous, so celebrated (ok IF I actually become like that) but when you sit down and think on who you really want to spend this money and joy with, you realise there's none.
When we spread our wings and soar into reality, everybody struggles to survive. To survive and excel, we all need to pretend.
Smiling to arrogant and horrendous customers.
Praising the boss who has overinflated ego.
Putting on a smile just for the root of all evil - Money.
Even now, especially in this prestigious school, two-faced people are EVERYWHERE.
Just when you thought you could place your trust in them, just when you thought they'll really be there for you. It'll all come apart sooner or later when you lose your value, be it monetary or entertainment.
How sad will it be when one day, I lose touch with all my wonderful friends, friends whom I've made with pure sincerity and love. Friendships that wasn't forged because I was useful or powerful.
Why do adults have to pretend in the first place?
Isn't it so tiring to put on a facade all day?
Life would have no meaning would they?
"Life is short, but briefer are the moments we truly lived"
Familiar to your ears?
Cliche as it is, its absolutely true to every word.
Today I feel as if my life has ended. When have I truly lived this year?
So what if we won the grand prize, so what if we performed in the famous Esplanade? To truly live isn't to bask yourself in these momentary whiffs of glam and fame, especially when you never ever felt part of it in the first place.
Perhaps truly living is something for me to find out as I hopefully continue on with life.
Someone once told me that seventeen was a year meant to be spent alone thinking. I did, and filled with a mixture of sorrow and jubilation was I after that. Jubilation knowing that I had such a wonderful life so far, especially in secondary school. Come on, great friends, holding top posts in several areas, lots of fun and perhaps what I really wanted - acceptance everywhere I went.
Sorrow knowing that for quite some time I really thought my future was bleak.
At a point of time I really felt like resigning to fate and isolate myself for the rest of my Jc life, solely depending on my secondary school friends or perhaps myself. In the end I realised I couldn't do it. I really can't stand knowing the fact I could have been out there realising my full potential and doing something really challenging and great. But guess what I'm just a loser right now with no posts, no chances to shine, no nothing. Am I that bad? or am I just surrounded by fiendish hypocrites waiting to step on you everytime you showed signs of weakening.
Bleak.
That's what really describes my thoughts.
No desire to excel in my studies, no desire to sing well in what would have been my favorite- Choir.
Can't time just stop when I really felt that I was 'alive' back then?
I know that's just being naive and cowardly.
Life is a bed of roses, a bed that I'll rather die of insomnia then lie on mabye?
Ah that's just nonsensical.
I'm just being paranoid as usual. That's what you get when you choose to read the posts of a cynical person.
I feel so confused right now, need to sleep I guess.
Hope I'll update soon =)
-Me-
Danny Wong
04.07.89
holy innocent's pri.xinmin sec. vjc.
Vjchoir! =D
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