All these superficiality, all these emptiness and depression. Is that what it means by JC? I'm starting to get so sick and tired of it. I never felt happy ever since my life started in Jc, only loneliness and endless depression.
All the coldness, the feeling of being chummy and all with everyone in times of fun but alone when you're down. Everyone just becomes detached and cold, not matter how they appear to be enjoying . Perhaps they really do enjoy themselves. Some told me they've numbed themselves and all, I can't, and I'm not. But sometimes being too emotional and all makes you more depressed than ever when everyone around you are just, lets just say they're there yet they're not there. The thing I can't understands sometimes is that there are people who needs help or feel lost just like the way I do. Perhaps some of my friends were right, they need time to trust and all. But if nobody starts making a real effort to trust and build a friendship, when will there ever be one?
It feels like I've just lost what I've been holding dear- the friends I used to think I could stick with, a school I used to think I'll succeed in. Everything just ceased to exist like a few days. Worse still, I spend so many hours in school with them. I don't actually mean to isolate myself from the rest of them, its just that I just don't feel a sense of belonging and I realised how fragile my friendship was with them when they actually automatically started to exclude me cause some trivial things. If I decide to pull away, I'm not giving myself and others a chance to forge friendships. If I don't pull away, I don't even know what I should do. Haix. I guess not many understand that feeling when you thought you made many friends and you're going to be happy, you choose to stay in Vjc, thinking you're going to have the time of your life, but now something happens and you step back and realise at the end of the day you have nothing at all.
I've turned so insecure, so sensitive and afraid. I was wrong about people. I thought everyone needed people to walk with them so that we all could walk a longer way. I don't understand why and I'm so tired to know. I just feel like shutting myself up, yet that will bring me pain cause I can't stand loneliness. It's like I'm suspending in mid- air, and gravity's threatening to pull me down. Why is everyone so fake? Why ? I can't fathom it.
I don't know why I'm taking it all so badly. I really want to know why too, why I'm feeling so extremely frustrated and depressed every single day. So helpless and so lost. I want to be happy, but I don't know how to or even how it feels. I just simply forgot how to be happy, like I can never smile anymore. I thought perhaps I needed to help people or find people who feels the same and help each other out and I'll feel that I had a purpose or a reason to continue striving on. But now there's nothing, that's why I feel no motivation to go to school.
I think i know why some people in the world don't trust anyone, how people always seem so cold. I really feel the temptation to be like that, numb to all emotions. But I don't want to be a empty shell. Just like now I'm just a shadow of my former self. I don't want to change, especially when what I'll change to is probably someone cold and unfeeling. I rather kill myself than do that.
Hmm. Why is all of this happening to me now? I really want to know why but there doesn't seem to be any way to know. I'm really afraid I'm only heading to some form of breakdown. I wonder if many people are feeling the same way or am I the only one? Some of my friends seem so happy and I'm really really really really (to the power of infinity) super envious. I want to break free! HELP. argh.
Just let me fall.
and relieve me from this nightmare.
I need a life.
-Me-
Danny Wong
04.07.89
holy innocent's pri.xinmin sec. vjc.
Vjchoir! =D
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