Walls.
They are everywhere in our lives. Physical walls that seperate us from the outside world, walls lining the borders of countries, or my personal favourite, psychological walls within every single one of us.
Walls were meant to seperate two things from each other, be it the cubicle walls that prevent you from seeing the person in the next cubicle doing his/her business, or the low wall you had to jump over during PE today.
To me, physical walls are just a manifestation of the mental walls. Why do we have the great wall of china? Because the ruler of china at that time wanted to seperate himself from everything that lives beyond that wall, and so the wall was built to materialize this wall of his . Everyone is the same, the greedy aims to swallow as much as he can, and then built a huge wall around himself to keep everything out.
Have you ever had this feeling that meeting people in everyday life gets worse? you feel weird, and you have this overwhelming urge to hide yourself from the rest of the world. That's when walls come into place. You start building a mental wall to shield yourself from all the undesirable things in reality, but you can't exactly make it physical or you'll be wearing a wall-helmet wherever you go.
I guess it doesn't help when bouts of emptiness drown you every now and then. Could it be that I've lost my direction in life since the O's are gone? There's nothing for me to work towards. The girl in my previous posts have gone, forever after me struggling for so long. She wasn't ready, or perhaps it's just me as usual. It's sickening when everything fails cause you're a part of it.
Now I really have a temptation to stop trying, I failed twice already and it just gets to me real bad. Would building a wall around myself help to make myself happier? Or will it just deceive myself and make life worse? Everyone's lonely, even if you're married. People walk around, and not one of them can pay attention to you all the time. Most learn how to take loneliness into their stride, I'm having an extremely hard time with that. However on thinking how others might find me a pest when I bother them too much. I can already see it clearly on others already, the reluctance, the pretence. It's all so common. Sigh?
Suddenly I feel so scared to socialize, so afraid of myself, afraid of meeting new people. I'm turning into a hermit. lolx. I guess I must go and satisfy my desire of wanting to be alone, sigh.
-Me-
Danny Wong
04.07.89
holy innocent's pri.xinmin sec. vjc.
Vjchoir! =D
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