Beautiful disaster

Monday, April 26, 2004

I'm lost, I really am.

I look around me and I simply can't see where my life is heading to.

I've got no goals, no ambitions. I can't study, I simply have nothing outstanding at all.

I'm currently drowning in my own worries and fear. Mid-year exam is coming, yet I feel no stress, no nothing. Something deep down inside me tells me I will not do very well, and it's creating this barrier in my head. Well, enough of the exam stress maybe. I'm feeling really numb nowadays, its been like this for ages already. I hate this feeling, it seems that I can't feel anything,sadness,happiness, Nothing! I'm sick of it, life suddenly turned into a black-and-white world that's cold and scary. I'm scared, I don't feel myself at all, am i going to live like this forever? No! that can't happen. Haish haish, Suddenly I feel that I'm kinda left alone by myself, i've lost contact with friends whom i used to be REALLY really close with. Everything nowadays are just books,books and tests and hmk. ARgh, I hate this! I don't know about my friends, but i'm sure they'll be feeling the same as me. haish, that's not very good ain't it. Even if i had someone really close to me, somehow I feel nothing, I can't talk about my bottled up feelings deep within me. Its great after a while, cos everyone's sad yet i'm happy. It's not that great actually, i suddenly felt a change in myself, it's like I calm down and think what I have been doing. And the answer?

Nothing.

The world is cold and grey now, I need colours. I'm trapped in this cycle or rountine life. ARGH, okay, i'm really feeling weird. Everyday me in school seems happy, laughing. I make lame jokes and start screaming and singing, irritating everyone around me. Sounds carefree eh (without the lunatic part)? I'm afraid it only appears to be so. I know that I'm just putting on a mask, pretty yet artificial. What is happening to me? This isn't me? It'll never be! haish haish.

I need a lighthouse to lead me out of the stormy seas, but where is it?

I need it, but yet i can only drown in the sea waiting...

# | 8:07 PM |

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